The Road to Somewhere

I am driving on the road to somewhere; I do not know where the road leads; I have no map and no modern navigation. I wonder what I will do when the road forks or intersects but for now the road is straight with no choices to make.

This is unusual for me. I am normally disciplined; my plans are usually clear and well considered; the path forward is generally known. New encounters and experiences in route are welcome but the path is otherwise set.

In contrast, I am now adrift, driving forward with no sense of destination or what lies ahead. I know how to drive and so I drive.

I look about and amidst the uncertainty and unfamiliarity, I yearn for the familiar where roles were known, friendships certain, and relationships defined. I remember when I worked during the day, returned home at night to dinner with my family, did things as a couple with my wife, and vacationed with my family. Now I drive alone.

I want to turn back but I realize the road past traveled no longer exists. My wife is divorcing me after 30 years of marriage. I want to go back to better times, but there is no way back.

In hindsight, our relationship was never that close. In recent years my wife turned hostile, blaming me for all that troubled her, criticizing me every day for perceived faults and foibles. She made my life miserable but I do not think of that now; I yearn for the familiar road.

I realize that road was not as good as I choose to remember; if it was we would not be divorcing. But I choose to remember the prior roads that led to happy places.

Oh how I want to go back and correct her misunderstandings, wrong beliefs, and misconstrued memories. I want to explain her misperceptions and remind her that I am a good person not deserving of such hostility. I know she will not listen but cannot yet accept this. Everyone who has driven this road tells me I cannot go back; I must give up the hope and proceed forward; this is hard for me to do.

I want to change the past, but it is not possible. I apologize for my faults, but she takes that as confirmation that her criticisms are justified. She seems irrational and maybe even mentally unbalanced; I am unable to connect with her or even have normal conversation. The familiar road exists only in my memory; I cannot go back.

So I drive on; less confident often looking in the rearview mirror trying to glimpse where I have been. The road continues straight, however, distancing me from whatever went before.

I observe the changing landscape, always curious about new things and new experiences; but curiosity does not compensate for my loss of what was familiar. Formerly I sought new experiences and craved learning new things, but I always knew I could go home when I tired of what was new. I cannot go home now because home no longer exists.

She wants our home; she wants our savings; she wants our friends; she demands my past. I live in the present passing unfamiliar towns and wondering where this road goes.

I have always been successful in business. I know how to make money but I always left our social life to her. We were a team; I made the money and she made our friends. She took the lead, but we both were very involved with raising our children, who are now grown.

Now I continue to make money but am cast into the unfamiliar role of developing a social network. I know how to drive but I lack the skills to maintain the car.

I know I must let go of the past and establish a new destination and route to go there. But I am not able to let go so easily and have no destination. I know what I must do but actually moving ahead is too difficult for me. So I drive not knowing where I go.

I look in the mirror; I am older than I remember and older than those around me. How did I age so? How much longer will I be able to drive?

Should I pick up a passenger? There are many candidates but none seem right. I compare them to my first meeting with my wife many years ago, and they compare unfavorably.

Why did she become so mean and treat me so badly? Is it my fault? Did I neglect her so? What should I have done differently?

I know this is mostly her fault but doubts emerge. Did my behavior elicit her behavior? I am confused; I want to go back and change history; but I cannot go back because there is no back.

I call my children; they are wonderful young men. We love each other, but they have their own lives, and I do not want to burden them with my problems. It is important they realize their mother and I love them so much; we just do not like each other that much right now.

The road occasionally turns but continues without end in sight. Oddly there are no sign posts to tell me where I am going. Others who have traveled this road warn me it is a long and difficult journey where the destination remains unclear and unknown until it is reached. They also warn me the road is one way with no turn-a-rounds.

So I continue to drive on the road to somewhere.